FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I got inside last night via doggy door
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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