just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
