allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
