whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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