My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
