masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
