i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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