Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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