Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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