Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize