It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We just shotgunned beers for America
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Let's get the cat blown out
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
