Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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