my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
