I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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