That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
