so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
