I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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