I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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