I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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