my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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