i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
