We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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