woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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