I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
