Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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