I wish my penis had an off switch
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize