i wish starbucks made bloody marys
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
