did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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