The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
