He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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