I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
