I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
