these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
