how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
