Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I believe in your delicious
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize