When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The air taste purple.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
