remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
vagina is talking i cant
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
