I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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