I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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