You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
