I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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