I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me đ
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He said I have the âDenzel Washingtonâ of vaginas.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
The school better be open next year. Iâve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and thereâs serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
Itâs 2020. Youâll probably get knocked up. If youâre really lucky youâll just get the clap
Randomize
