i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
