i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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