The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
