I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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