rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Your topless pictures make me question reality
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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