I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
