I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
