As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
