i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
