at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
