yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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