I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am available for nakedness
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
