I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
