There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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