I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
